ometimes it takes a really big reality check before you realize that something’s wrong. Sometimes, it’s glaringly obvious. Other times (or, in my case, most of the time), you need to be smacked in the face with it before it really takes hold.
I excused my lack of blogging as laziness, being too busy, what-have-you, and maybe that was right. Maybe I have to prioritize writing time and… CastleVille time. I don’t know. Regardless, I didn’t really think blogging was too important because, well, who really cares to know about how I was up for half the night with the baby again? Who needs to know that Arya won’t lay on her tummy for more than five seconds before she starts screaming bloody murder? Who needs to know that I end up in tears, sometimes twice daily, because of how frustrating it is to get Arya to sleep, and how incredibly difficult she is when she doesn’t sleep?
Well, besides the fact that certain family members who live in Oregon need to know (because Twitter is a really terrible way to keep people in the loop), I need to get it out. I need to stop excusing not posting by thinking that blog posts should be nothing but positive. I need to stop holding things in because it’s tearing me apart from the inside. I need to stop pretending that everything’s okay with me, because no matter how much I want to believe I’m okay… I’m not.
So, here’s to me, hopefully finding that writing everything out will be cathartic enough.
Watch out, here comes another drop cap!
rya’s not crawling yet. Plain and simple, that’s the biggest thing on my plate recently. When we took her in for her 9-month checkup, everything was fine. 10th percentile for weight, 25th for height, but who’s counting? She’s growing just fine, and her curve looks good. Besides, she still fit in 6-month onesies. (Well, until just this past week, but really, they lasted a while.) However, when it came to milestones, there was a problem. She’s not crawling yet. Well, it’s more than that. Tummy time is impossible (and incredibly stressful) because she won’t lay on her tummy for very long before she becomes very, very upset. I’ve tried the whole gamut: putting her belly-down on my chest, over my legs, with a rolled-up towel underneath her, with lots of toys in her field of view, but none of it has worked. I didn’t really think much of it, as I constantly kept hearing “oh, she’ll probably walk before she crawls”. I realize that’s still totally possible, but not crawling combined with what seems like a complete lack of interest in it caused our pediatrician to refer us to Early Intervention for a possible gross motor skill delay.
I know that’s not the end of the world. I know it could be worse. Her fine motor skills are great; in fact the doc was very surprised to hear that she was waving and clapping at six months. Hearing “delay” and “early intervention” is just… not easy. I hesitated to call at first because, really, one of these days she’s going to surprise us all by just getting up and walking across the room and we’ll look back and laugh and laugh! Yeah, that’s a nice daydream, but unlikely. It took a lot of hand-wringing and swallowing my pride and emailing an advice column for chrissake for me to finally just admit to myself that it would be best to call.
We have an appointment for May 9th, and I’m, well… I’m nervous. I don’t know what to expect. We spent an hour on the phone with the coordinator and I know we’ll be well taken care of, I understand that there’s nothing to worry about, that they’re here to help, but… I’m still nervous. And that’s normal, I suppose, but it’s scary, too.
And if this is a sign of things to come, I am so not ready to delve further into parenting alone.
So this is why I’m writing this out. Because sometimes it takes a big THWACK on the head from your (out-of-body) conscience to make you realize that you can’t bottle things up and expect that you’ll be able to deal with the emotional toll of doing that. I’m mostly doing this for her (dat conscience :B ), but honestly I should’ve admitted to myself that I need to let things out earlier. My meds aren’t working as well as I wish they were, so I’m stuck in a constant funk. Of course, I’m sure the stress of dealing with Arya doesn’t help that at all. Despite all of the difficulties, though, I can’t help but feel an odd sort of bliss when I look at her. She’s beautiful, smart, makes me smile, and makes me feel amazing when I hug her. Of course, above all, she’s my daughter, and that’s the most important thing of all. I absolutely love her. I don’t regret for a second staying home to raise her, and she’s happy. I know it.
As for me, I’m lonely. Not really much else to it. I’ve always had problems making friends, and it’s only gotten worse. I’m hoping that by writing more here I can kind of… dampen the loneliness. Comments will be rare, I know, but letting out my frustrations (and gushing about awesome stuff) is something I hope will make me feel less desolate. At least, that’s the plan.
(Also, yes. I’ve abandoned the week-by-week Project 365 updates. They’ll be monthly from now on. More manageable, and honestly it just makes more sense.)
(ALSO ALSO, featured above is Arya’s FIRST TOOTH! FINALLY! As of this morning, the nugget is no longer gummy. Yay!)