Turn the light out, say goodnight, no thinking for a little while

Today’s PT session for Arya went… Well, to put it simply it was not very fun.

She’s always been kind of a ham for the therapist. Things she does for the PT like they’re nothing will be full of wailing and resistance when it’s me. I guess it’s kind of understandable. Surely it’s something about how she’s more comfortable with me, so she expects me to just do things for her. I can’t think of any other explanation. (For the record, I don’t do things for her. If she wants something that’s just out of her reach, tough cookies, love, get it yourself.)  Today it was completely different. Any time the PT tried to get her to do something, she refused. Stuck out her belly, kept her legs as straight as possible, didn’t reach her arms out when we tried to get her to bend. This was accompanied by shrieking any time she wasn’t on my lap getting huggles, and even by the end that wasn’t making her happy, either.

It’s very, very hard dealing with a shrieking baby for an hour. More so when you know it’s because she’s frustrated and you wish you could help but you can’t because what you’re doing IS supposed to be helping.

But it isn’t.

The therapist keeps assuaging my worries by saying Arya’s just hardheaded. I believe that. Both her dad and I are buttheads. It also makes sense that she wants to do things her own way, and us forcing her, while showing her the right way to do things, isn’t going to make her do anything until she wants to do it. I can see that. It still doesn’t help that I feel like it’s somehow my fault. I feel like I mess up so often with her that I even start wondering if it’d be better for her to be in daycare.

And then it hits me. Of course, the PT has told me (way, way long ago), but it’s not supposed to be that big of a problem. Arya doesn’t get to see other babies very often. I’m a hermit, so it stands to figure that I’m keeping Arya from getting the socialization she needs. Of course it’s because she doesn’t know why we want her to do these things. Of course it’s because she has nobody that’s her age to show her how it’s done. Of course it’s because she doesn’t feel the need to jump up to chase a friend around. (Can babies her age even have friends?) So in the end, of course I’m still thinking that it’s my fault. I’m the hermit.

The PT told me about an event that happens at the local library. It’s called storytime, but considering it’s for newborns through two-year-olds, there’s a lot of playtime added to it as well. (I know I wouldn’t be able to hold Arya still with so many people and babies around.) I had no idea about it, and apparently it’s free. I’m going to be taking her tomorrow, and see how it pans out. I’m really hoping that it’s physical enough to spur her to try to move around, because there’s no way we can afford even a day of daycare a week. Forget Gymboree or My Gym or whatever. I can’t pay $70 a class, and that’s just… ridiculous. I still want to take her to the rec center for swimming classes, so there’ll be other babies her age for those, too. But again, even though I’m actually allowed in the rec centers now (long story), classes cost money.

In the end I can’t help but think it’s my fault. I should’ve gone back to work, blah blah blah. I know staying home was the right choice, but was it necessarily the easiest? Considering how strapped for cash we are right now, we would be in the same exact boat as far as our financial situation goes, and Arya would be getting a lot of playtime with other kids. But I’d miss every milestone. I wouldn’t be able to see her as much as I do now. So I know this was the right choice.

But am I doing enough?

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