Ups and downs and down and down

Since it’s been a while since I last posted about my mental health, you might think it’s all been worked out. Hunky-dory, all that sort of thing. Well, you’d be wrong, but I’m sure no one reading this is surprised anymore!

I can’t think of how many times I’ve thought I had the “perfect brew”. It’s been quite a few by now. I’ve been through times where I was totally discouraged, and times where I was sure the next one would be The One.

Yikes, you’d think I’m talking about saving the world or something.

Well, this time around I really thought it was going to be great. With the last combo being almost just RIGHT there, we thought that adding in one thing to beat the last symptom that I was dealing with would make it perfect. It adds up, or at least you would assume it would. The brain doesn’t work that way, apparently. That symptom was taken care of while the “buzz” that the previous combo had given me was gone. My motivation, my desire, my creativity, all gone.

This is starting to get incredibly frustrating.

I have to wonder if this is all worth it in the first place. My “buzz” (for lack of a better word) is missing when I’m off meds anymore, too. It hasn’t always been like that. At first, my buzz was still there though my anxiety would be through the roof. Now, my symptoms have changed to the point where anxiety is no longer an issue, but if I’m off meds, my buzz is gone. It’s post-partum depression. I don’t know how I still have it after a year, but there it is. It’s turned my brain topsy-turvy to the point where the problem I had when I first went to the psychiatrist is totally gone, replaced by a much tougher, annoying problem.

I’m at a point where I don’t know what to do. The frustration is overwhelming, but I can’t just give up and go back to a point where at least something was good. I want to be able to feel good about what I create, or even be able to create anything, period. I’ve been working on this Sailormoon art for ages, it seems like, and I can deal with it, but it’s so slow. I guess slow is good, though, right? It means I pay attention to the details and make it even better. However, I think at this point it’s just “I don’t want to work on this… aw, hell, let’s do 5 minutes on it”. So five minutes at a time, I’m kind of getting there. If only it was quick enough.

Writing’s been going slowly, too. I have days where I have bursts of inspiration to write, which is good. Editing is frustrating though, which kind of stinks. Fortunately, there’s also a lot I have to rewrite. Rewriting is what really gets me going. I can fall into a trance almost while writing, and it lets me get lost to the outside world. Recently, that’s all that’s really been satisfying me. It’s nice to actually have something like that, but it’s unfortunate that it takes such concentration, and that it’s completely gone if I get interrupted.

So things have not been going well in the realm of mental health. I don’t have an appointment for a while, but I’m seriously starting to consider just calling and making one sooner. Things have been hard, thanks to irritability which is a side effect I hadn’t been counting on, so any chance I have to fix things is going to be soon or too late. So soon it is.  So there it is. a small (ha!) update on how I’ve been and how my brain has been screwing me over lately.

Not so much fun. Can I get off this ride now please?

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